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Home » Idiocracy » S01E01 — Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Idiocracy

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Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...
heart
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while masturbating...
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to produce sperm for artificial insemination.
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But I have some eggs frozen,
eggs
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so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know--
alongcomes
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[ Clevon Shouting ]
shouting
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[ Narrator ] And so it went for generations,
narrator
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although few, if any, seemed to notice.
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But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C.,
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a simple army librarian was unknowingly...
simple
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about to change the entire course of human history.
changecourseentirehistory
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Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!
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Hey, Bauers.
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This is Peterson, your new replacement.
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- My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you?
replaced
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No. Some new assignment.
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They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
weird
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I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
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- I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
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No one ever comes in here.
comes
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Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
perfect
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If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.
anothereightyears
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I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?
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No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
coming
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Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?
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Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
lead
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When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."
supposed
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It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
supposed
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That doesn't embarrass me.
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Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.
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You're just gonna have to follow.
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Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.
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Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?
train
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I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
figurewatch
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[ Man ] Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers,
meet
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our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.
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Now, as you know, throughout the years,
years
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many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...
bestsoldiers
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often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.
entireseeing
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With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men,
ablebestprojectsave
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frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.
needed
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Joe, here, is not one of our best men.
best
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Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
chosen
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Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.
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The most average person in our entire armed forces.
entireperson
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Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried,
family
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is an only child, and both parents are deceased,
childparents
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making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...
questions