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Home » Elf » S01E01 — Elf

Elf

Season 1, Episode 1 — Elf

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I WAS JUST ROLLED UP ONE DAY AND LEFT OUT HERE IN THE COLD.
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BUT THE THING IS, I'VE NEVER EVEN LEFT THE NORTH POLE.
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BUDDY, I'VE BEEN AROUND THE WORLD MANY TIMES
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WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CUMULUS NIMBUS CLOUD.
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IT'S A WONDERFUL PLACE, FILLED WITH WONDROUS CREATURES--
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EXCEPT DOGS.
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OH, BY THE WAY, DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW.
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OH, I KNOW THAT.
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ALL I'M SAYIN' IS, THIS MIGHT BE THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
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TO FIND OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
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SO, I HEAR YOU'RE GOING
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ON A LITTLE JOURNEY TO THE BIG CITY.
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YUP. AHH.
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I'M KINDA NERVOUS.
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( chuckles )
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LEON SAYS NEW YORK IS PRETTY DIFFERENT.
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OH, DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO LEON.
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HE'S NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FEET.
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I'VE BEEN TO NEW YORK THOUSANDS OF TIMES.
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REALLY? MM-HMM.
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WHAT'S IT LIKE?
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WELL, THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW.
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FIRST OFF, YOU SEE GUM ON THE STREET,
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LEAVE IT THERE. IT'S NOT FREE CANDY.
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OH. SECOND,
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THERE ARE, LIKE, 30 RAY'S PIZZAS.
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THEY ALL CLAIM TO BE THE ORIGINAL,
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BUT THE REAL ONE'S ON 11TH.
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AND IF YOU SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS "PEEP SHOW,"
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE LETTING YOU
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LOOK AT PRESENTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
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CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY DAD--
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WE'RE GONNA GO ICE SKATING AND...AND EAT SUGAR PLUMS.
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YEAH, THAT'S THE OTHER THING
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I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
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YOU KNOW, BUDDY... ( sighs )
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YOUR FATHER...
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WELL...HE'S ON THE NAUGHTY LIST.
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NO!!!
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YOU'RE TAKING THE BOOKS BACK?
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( chuckles )
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SEE, I--I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO HERE.
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Y-YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD,
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WHEN, IN ACTUALITY, YOU'RE THE ONE
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THAT MISSED THE PAYMENTS.
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BUT THE CHILDREN LOVE THE BOOKS.
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I KNOW THAT, UH...
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YOU KNOW, I'M THE ONE THAT RAN THE FOCUS GROUPS,