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Home » Idiocracy » S01E01 — Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Idiocracy

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[ Man Narrating ] As the 21st century began,

↓

human evolution was at a turning point.

point

↓

Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest,

↓

the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest,

rest

↓

a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man,

↓

now began to favor different traits.

↓

[ Reporter ] The Joey Buttafuoco case--

case

↓

Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized...

future science

↓

and more intelligent.

↓

But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.

↓

A dumbing down.

↓

How did this happen?

happen

↓

Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.

intelligence

↓

With no natural predators to thin the herd,

↓

it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most...

↓

and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

become left

↓

Having kids is such an important decision.

having kids

↓

We're just waiting for the right time.

waiting

↓

It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.

obviously

↓

No way.

↓

Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!

pregnant

↓

Shit! I got too many damn kids!

kids

↓

- I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no!

↓

Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.

↓

Brittany? No, you didn't!

↓

There's no way we could have a child now. Mm-mm.

child

↓

Not with the market the way it is, no.

↓

God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.

↓

Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!

care

↓

Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here.

likes must

↓

- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon!

baby nothin

↓

Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

↓

Well, we finally decided to have children,

children decided finally

↓

and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.

fingers

↓

And this is helping.

↓

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to--

↓

It's always me, right?

always-me

↓

Well, it's not my sperm count.

count

↓

Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

yall

↓

That's my boy!

↓

Whoo! Whoo!

whoo

↓

Clevon is lucky to be alive.

alive

↓

He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...

↓

into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.

iron

↓

But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research...

thanks

↓

and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler,

↓

Clevon should regain full reproductive function.

full

↓

Get your hands off my junk!

hands

↓

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...

heart

↓

while masturbating...

↓

to produce sperm for artificial insemination.

↓

But I have some eggs frozen,

eggs

↓

so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know--

along comes

↓

[ Clevon Shouting ]

shouting

↓

[ Narrator ] And so it went for generations,

narrator

↓

although few, if any, seemed to notice.

↓

But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C.,

↓

a simple army librarian was unknowingly...

simple

↓

about to change the entire course of human history.

change course entire history

↓

Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!

↓

Hey, Bauers.

↓

This is Peterson, your new replacement.

↓

- My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you?

replaced

↓

No. Some new assignment.

↓

They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.

weird

↓

I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.

↓

- I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

↓

No one ever comes in here.

comes

↓

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

perfect

↓

If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.

another eight years

↓

I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

↓

No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.

coming

↓

Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?

↓

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

lead

↓

When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."

supposed

↓

It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

supposed

↓

That doesn't embarrass me.

↓

Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.

↓

You're just gonna have to follow.

↓

Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.

↓

Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

train

↓

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

figure watch

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[ Man ] Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers,

meet

↓

our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.

↓

Now, as you know, throughout the years,

years

↓

many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...

best soldiers

↓

often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.

entire seeing

↓

With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men,

able best project save

↓

frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.

needed

↓

Joe, here, is not one of our best men.

best

↓

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.

chosen

↓

Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.

↓

The most average person in our entire armed forces.

entire person

↓

Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried,

family

↓

is an only child, and both parents are deceased,

child parents

↓

making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...

questions

↓

should something go wrong with the experiment.

↓

We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks...

dream less

↓

and were forced to look into the private sector.

sector

↓

This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family.

family immediate rita

↓

Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...

rita

↓

in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.

↓

We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp,

↓

a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly--

name upgrayedd

↓

With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.

double

↓

Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year...

rita upgrayedd

↓

and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways...

matter quiet

↓

with the local authorities in running his pimp game.

game local running

↓

First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.

trust

↓

Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

↓

Sure. Let me just finish here.

finish

↓

You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

love

↓

Collins!

↓

Fine. We'll move on.

↓

It is a fascinating world though.

world

↓

Jesus, Collins.

↓

Yeah, that's-- [ Clears Throat ]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects...

↓

are to be placed into a dry freeze...

↓

for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.

begin tomorrow

↓

As you know, this is highly classified.

↓

However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.

believe successful

↓

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

crazy kinda

↓

What unit are you with? Oh, I ain't in the service.

aint service

↓

Oh, private sector. Okay.

sector

↓

So, uh, what do you do? A little of this, a little of that.

↓

Wow, that's great.

↓

You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way--

living

↓

doing a little of this and a little of that.

↓

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures,

used

↓

and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

↓

Yeah.

↓

So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?

artist

↓

Uh, yeah. You do paintings or--

↓

- Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great.

↓

- Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly?

↓

I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.

fruit

↓

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

able living love must

↓

[ Scoffs ] Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

scoffs

↓

[ Door Opens ] [ Collins ] Who wants to go first?

door door-opens opens wants

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Me.

↓

[ Machinery Whirring ] What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.

↓

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.

↓

- What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me...

matter putting upgrayedd

↓

in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!

↓

Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.

itll trust worry

↓

Who's Upgrayedd?

upgrayedd

↓

He's my boyfriend.

boyfriend

↓

Man, how do you know this shit's safe?

↓

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.

worry

↓

They've tested it on dogs and everything.

↓

What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep,

drugs

↓

we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again.

↓

It'll be fine. All right.

itll

↓

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch?

interesting name upgrayedd

↓

See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student.

student

↓

His name was Untgrad.

name

↓

Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.

↓

Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.

ahead

↓

[ Equipment Beeping ]

beeping

↓

See you in a year.

↓

[ Narrator ] The Human Hibernation Project...

narrator project

↓

was one of the army's most ambitious experiments...

↓

and one of its most secretive.

↓

But it was not immune from human error.

↓

Freeze!

↓

[ Groans ]

↓

Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed,

↓

the base was closed.

↓

It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.

entire project

↓

Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.

looked worse

↓

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed,

rita years

↓

and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.

↓

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...

↓

would correct this trend in evolution.

correct

↓

But sadly, the greatest minds and resources...

greatest minds

↓

were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

hair

↓

[ Orangutan Chattering ]

↓

Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline...

intelligence

↓

until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems.

problems

↓

Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever,

plan

↓

leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505,

↓

which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.

change forever world

↓

[ Backup Warning Beeping ]

beeping

↓

Hold on. [ Man On TV ] Next, on The Violence Channel,

↓

an all-new Ow! My Balls!

↓

[ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

- All right. [ Chuckling ] - [ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

[ Snarling ] [ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

[ Chuckling ]

↓

[ Groans ]

↓

[ Man Watching TV ] That guy got hit in the balls.

watching

↓

Ow, my balls!

↓

[ Groans ] [ Man On TV Screaming ]

screaming

↓

Huh?

↓

[ Groaning ]

↓

[ TV: Tires Squealing, Man Screaming ] [ Man Watching TV Laughs ]

laughs screaming squealing watching

↓

[ Joe ] Where's-- Hold on. Shut up!

↓

[ Man Laughing ]

laughing

↓

[ Tires Squealing ]

squealing

↓

- Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up!

↓

[ Man On TV ] Next week on Ow! My Balls!, Hormel goes to Paris!

week

↓

- Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

↓

In your face, ass! Shut up.

face

↓

I'm sorry. It's just-- Where am I?

↓

Shut up! I told you already!

↓

[ Flushes ]

↓

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

↓

Come in here and not shut up.

↓

Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like--

↓

[ Narrator ] Unaware of what year it was,

narrator

↓

Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.

↓

But the English language had deteriorated...

↓

into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts.

city girl

↓

Joe was able to understand them, [ Indistinct ]

able indistinct

↓

but when he spoke in an ordinary voice,

voice

↓

he sounded pompous and faggy to them.

↓

[ Man On P.A. ] Paging Doc-- [ Slurring ]

↓

Report to, uh--

↓

Dr. Lueboo,

↓

uh, report.

↓

Your floor-- Your floor is now clean. [ Beeping ]

beeping clean floor

↓

Your floor-- Your floor is now clean.

clean floor

↓

Your floor-- Your floor is now clean.

clean floor

↓

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well.

feeling

↓

I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.

drugs might

↓

I've been hallucinating.

↓

My head is just killin' me.

head

↓

My-My-My joints are all achy and I--

↓

Is this a hospital or--

↓

- Actually, I don't even know where I am. - [ Beeps ]

beeps

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right,

area voice

↓

- and have a healthy day! - Oh. Thanks.

thanks

↓

Thank you!

↓

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'.

might

↓

- I was just looking for some regular water. - Water?

looking regular water

↓

- Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for?

toilet

↓

You know, just to drink.

drink

↓

[ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

[ Continues Laughing ]

laughing

↓

** [ Electronic Tune ] [ Electronic Voice ] You've got hepatitis!

voice

↓

Oh, is someone not feeling well?

feeling

↓

Your illness is very important to us.

↓

- [ Man ] Next. - [ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno,

voice welcome

↓

powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth.

mouth

↓

This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt.

↓

Come on.

↓

- Hurry up, asshole! - Come on!

hurry

↓

[ Beeping ] Shit. Hang on a second.

beeping hang second

↓

This one-- No.

↓

- Hey, come on. - Uh--

↓

- Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth.

hurry mouth

↓

Come on!

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.

voice waiting

↓

That's a weird misprint.

weird

↓

Hey. How's it hang, ese?

hang

↓

Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.

↓

I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things.

↓

I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.

drugs might

↓

But if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base--

↓

Right. Kick ass.

↓

Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin',

nothin sound

↓

but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.

↓

You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.

↓

What I'd do is just like, like, you know,

↓

like, you know what I mean? Like-- [ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

- No, I'm serious here. - [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot.

chuckles worry

↓

Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives.

lives living

↓

My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

wife

↓

I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.

second

↓

There's that fag talk we talked about.

talked

↓

All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.

↓

And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.

ahead

↓

That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.

weird

↓

- What are the odds of-- - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?

↓

Why don't you have this?

↓

Oh, God.

↓

- Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God.

↓

Why come you don't have a tattoo?

↓

[ Joe ] Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you?

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

- You're unscannable. - [ Alarm Wailing ]

↓

- Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand!

↓

You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second.

second

↓

They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!

dead everybody knows

↓

Oh, my God! Oh!

↓

- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

- No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down!

calm

↓

- How'd this happen? - How did it happen?

happen howd

↓

- [ Alarm Continues ] - Your floor is now clean.

clean floor

↓

Your floor is now clean.

clean floor

↓

[ Narrator ] Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.

crisis narrator world

↓

The economy was in a state of deep neglect.

deep

↓

A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.

food supplies

↓

And the number one movie in the country was called Ass.

called movie number

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

And that's all it was for 90 minutes.

minutes

↓

[ Movie: Farting ]

movie

↓

It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

best eight

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.

enjoy extra voice

↓

You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box.

empty

↓

Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?

another extra

↓

I said I didn't get any.

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] Thank you. Your account has been charged.

account voice

↓

Your balance is zero.

↓

What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

↓

[ Beeping ] I'm sorry you're having trouble.

beeping having trouble

↓

Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

having kids trouble

↓

[ Buzzes ]

↓

This should help you calm down.

calm

↓

Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

↓

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry.

child hungry kids

↓

You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.

children mother

↓

Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating."

eating

↓

Welcome to Carl's Jr.

welcome

↓

Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco,

extra

↓

now with more molecules?

↓

Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother?

mother

↓

- Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.

↓

Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment.

explain

↓

Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment.

second

↓

There was a girl. She was from the same experiment.

girl

↓

- Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. - [ Groaning ]

↓

[ Narrator ] Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill...

narrator

↓

and not having his U.P.C. tattoo.

having

↓

He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind...

future

↓

but had become rather retarded as well.

become

↓

You shut up! Now-- [ Clears Throat ]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here.

↓

We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.

↓

Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money,

aint money yall

↓

we have "proprietarily" obtained for you...

↓

one of them court-appointed lawyers.

↓

So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo.

frito hands

↓

You're my lawyer?

↓

Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital?

↓

Why'd you do that? Yeah. I'm not guilty.

↓

That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the--

↓

Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?

stand

↓

I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod.

explain house

↓

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

↓

Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?

↓

Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him.

number

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

He talks like a fag too. [ Laughing Continues ]

laughing

↓

And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence...

↓

of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.

↓

And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.

heard

↓

- [ Crowd Grumbling ] - I know!

↓

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man.

check

↓

Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace.

peace

↓

[ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering

↓

- Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on?

↓

Come on. Just get me on the stand. Okay.

stand

↓

- Um, Your Honor? - Hmm?

↓

I object...

↓

that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.

broke

↓

- Yeah. - What?

↓

And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me...

money

↓

after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital!

money

↓

Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.

↓

And I object.

↓

I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls!

watching

↓

- [ All Booing ] - That is not okay! And I rest my case!

case rest

↓

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.

↓

- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. - [ All Laughing ]

foot laughing

↓

- Please, listen. - "Please, listen."

↓

- [ All Laughing ] - I didn't steal anything.

laughing

↓

I was part of an army experiment--

part

↓

[ Narrator ] Joe stated his case logically and passionately,

case narrator

↓

but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter.

laughter stupid voice

↓

- Guilty! - [ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering

↓

Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence.

↓

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession...

oldest rita worlds

↓

was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons.

world

↓

[ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.

bell distance voice welcome

↓

Please say the name of the person you wish to call.

name person wish

↓

Upgrayedd.

upgrayedd

↓

There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd.

upgrayedd

↓

Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.

begin

↓

Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby.

baby

↓

Hey, look, can you just-- can you wait a second, please?

second

↓

Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good.

baby

↓

Really?

↓

Think, uh-- You think maybe you could wait a day?

↓

Baby, I can wait two days.

baby days

↓

Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.

charge

↓

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.

baby glad

↓

Thank you very much, young man.

young

↓

What the fuck?

↓

Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.

goddamn

↓

What are we doin' here?

doin

↓

Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.

america program voice welcome

↓

Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.

↓

Thank you. [ Mechanical Whirring ]

↓

Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card--

name

↓

Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if--

number

↓

You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?

correct name

↓

No, it's not correct. [ Dings ]

correct

↓

Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

correct

↓

No, it's not. My name is Joe-- [ Beeping ]

beeping name

↓

You've already confirmed your first name is Not.

name

↓

Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My--

name

↓

My last name is not Sure. [ Dings ]

name

↓

- Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe.

name

↓

Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

↓

- Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? - [ Buzzing ]

buzzing second start

↓

Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?

↓

They're gonna tat-- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?

↓

- Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph.

↓

- [ Whirring ] - [ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

Oh, that's fuckin' great.

↓

Okay, sir,

↓

now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.

begin

↓

What for?

↓

Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at...

figure

↓

and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...

voice

↓

and another bucket that holds five gallons,

another five

↓

how many buckets do you have?

↓

Two?

↓

Thank you.

↓

* Lord, I wonder what's the matter *

lord matter wonder

↓

* Time, you know, with time *

↓

* It seems like the hours Oh, everything done changed *

hours seems

↓

* But I hold up my hand *

hand

↓

* Lord, I'm tryin' to make you understand *

lord tryin

↓

* Lord, you know, uh, everybody-- they tell me *

everybody lord

↓

* Somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man *

somebody

↓

* Now you know I buzzed your bell this mornin' *

bell

↓

- * Baby, you had your elevator running slow * - 'Too.

baby running slow

↓

* I buzzed your bell little girl, to take me up on the third floor *

bell floor girl third

↓

* But I hold up my hand *

hand

↓

* Lord, I'm trying to make you understand *

lord

↓

[ No Audible Dialogue ] * Lord, you know, uh *

lord

↓

* They tells the baby *

baby

↓

* That somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man * [ Laughs ]

laughs somebody

↓

* Lookee here, baby **

baby

↓

[ Narrator ] Desperate and scared,

narrator

↓

Joe used his superior intelligence...

intelligence superior used

↓

to come up with the best escape plan he could think of.

best plan

↓

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir.

excuse supposed today

↓

Yeah.

↓

You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there.

line

↓

I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry.

↓

Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through.

↓

[ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

[ Warning Buzzer Buzzing ]

buzzing

↓

[ Door Closes ]

closes door door-closes

↓

'Too. Yeah. Got it.

↓

[ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.

↓

Could you check again?

check

↓

'Cause, I was, you know-- I was definitely in prison, okay?

↓

I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there?

check face

↓

[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Electronic Voice ] "Excape." "Excape."

voice

↓

"Excape." "Excape."

↓

"Excape." "Excape."

↓

* Come back *

↓

* Oh, baby, come back *

baby

↓

* Come back *

↓

* Oh, baby-- **

baby

↓

[ Man ] The Masturbation Network.

↓

Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years.

america years

↓

And now, Sweet Bang Tube. [ Squeaking On TV ]

sweet

↓

- Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. - [ Squeaking Continues ]

piece

↓

Oh, yeah, that's-- [ Knocking ]

↓

Go away! 'Batin'!

↓

[ Knocking Continues ]

↓

Damn it.

↓

[ Knocking ] All right.

↓

Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here!

↓

No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail.

↓

So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.

broke house

↓

Hey, I could have you disbarred-- disbarred-- for what you did to me.

↓

Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money.

money

↓

Oh, really?

↓

Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.

deal

↓

I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.

thinking years

↓

Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now.

travel

↓

You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know?

↓

With Einstein and guys like that? Uh-huh.

↓

- You know, scientists? You know? - Uh.

↓

A time machine, for time travel.

machine travel

↓

Do they have one? What?

↓

[ Tires Squealing, Car Crashing In Distance ]

distance squealing

↓

Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for.

hope

↓

No, no, they got a time machine.

machine

↓

They do? Yeah.

↓

Are-Are-Are you sure? Yeah.

↓

- Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.

↓

And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago.

smart

↓

I don't care. Just get me there, okay?

care

↓

Well-- Please!

↓

Listen, I-- I-- I "supersize" with you,

↓

but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money?

money

↓

Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back...

machine

↓

I open a savings account in your name.

account name open

↓

That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions.

itll years

↓

Billions! 'Cause?

↓

'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars.

itll

↓

- Oh, I-- I like money. - Yeah.

money

↓

- How many billions? - Like, 10.

↓

Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20.

machine

↓

Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.

frito

↓

Thirty billion dollars.

↓

Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion,

↓

and the time machine's 20--

↓

What's the minus of 30 and 20?

minus

↓

Uh, it's, uh-- it's 80, Frito.

frito

↓

It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?

minus

↓

- Yeah. I like money though. - [ Man ] Police! Open the door!

door money open

↓

- [ Banging On Door ] - We're looking for an "excaped" individual.

door looking

↓

- This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion.

name

↓

Oh, um, he-- He's... somewhere else.

↓

- You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.

middle

↓

[ Policeman ] A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.

caught machine

↓

Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile."

↓

[ Banging ] Okay, sir, we're comin' in.

comin

↓

- No, you can't come in. - Can too!

↓

Come on! All right, let's go get my billions.

↓

[ Banging Continues ]

↓

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay?

girl rita

↓

Is she bangin'? Yeah, sure, she is.

↓

That wasn't really part of the deal.

deal part

↓

Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? I like money.

another couple money throw

↓

Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope.

hope

↓

Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it?

girl

↓

'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days.

days three

↓

Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what?

baby

↓

Why don't you come back tomorrow?

tomorrow

↓

Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah?

baby

↓

When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me.

finally

↓

That's right. Whatever you say, sir.

↓

- Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl.

girl

↓

Thank you! Rita!

rita

↓

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on.

rita

↓

Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?

↓

Just get in the car. I'll explain everything.

explain

↓

Where we going? Just get in the car.

↓

Trust me. What happened to those army guys?

happened trust

↓

[ Siren Blaring ] Wait a minute. You got cops after you?

minute

↓

Yeah. And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!

↓

Frito, take a right here. Right, right!

frito

↓

Into that dust storm, Frito.

frito

↓

[ Joe ] They must have just forgotten about us.

must

↓

[ Rita ] It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!

rita years

↓

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!

kill late money upgrayedd

↓

So, you owe your boyfriend money?

boyfriend money

↓

Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too.

↓

You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.

↓

Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.

dead rita

↓

- Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah.

machine

↓

Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past,

machine past

↓

but there was no time machine back then, so--

machine

↓

Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week--

care machine upgrayedd week

↓

He will find a way to come get his money!

money

↓

- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-- - You know what?

worry

↓

Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago...

goddamn worry years

↓

when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin.

↓

- Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? - [ Buzzing ]

buzzing happened rita

↓

But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you.

promise

↓

[ Electronic Voice ] You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.

name voice

↓

Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.

pull

↓

Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. Thank you for your help.

outta

↓

If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.

throw

↓

You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them.

↓

They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds.

bad sounds

↓

- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery.

↓

Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something?

↓

[ Machine-gun Fire ]

fire machine

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

[ Explosion ]

↓

Oh! Oh, shit!

↓

- [ Cheering ] - Yeah!

cheering

↓

What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.

↓

[ Frito ] Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!

fire frito

↓

Come on! Let's get out of here.

↓

[ Rita ] Hey, how much farther is it?

rita

↓

Uh, it's, like, far.

↓

Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

↓

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

hand

↓

* Better than Superman Faster than an airplane *

↓

Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going?

bright knows

↓

I sure hope so. He's our only chance.

chance hope

↓

- * And fuckin' inflexible * - How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?

howd

↓

He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either.

↓

[ Joe ] He's a goddamned idiot.

idiot

↓

There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.

drop itll machine shuttle

↓

Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.

↓

He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there.

takes thinks

↓

So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay?

account along

↓

Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?

machine

↓

Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.

life rest spend

↓

Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you.

love welcome

↓

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

love welcome

↓

[ Goats Bleating ] [ Duck Quacking ]

↓

Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here.

↓

[ Rita ] We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?

forever rita

↓

Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.

place school

↓

In Costco?

↓

Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.

believe

↓

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

pulled

↓

Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you,

↓

we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it.

hand

↓

[ Woman ] Hey, baby, wanna go out?

baby woman

↓

Wanna go out, honey?

honey

↓

Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long.

comes minutes shuttle

↓

- Do I got time to use the bathroom? - [ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

[ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

[ Frito ] Uh, the toilet. Be right back.

frito toilet

↓

Yeah, back that thing up.

↓

Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? What?

mind

↓

I like having sex with chicks. Yeah?

having

↓

Yeah. I think everybody does, Frito.

everybody frito

↓

Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways.

↓

Then you just, like, back it up. And then you--

↓

- That's real good. - Then you-- Oh, yeah!

real

↓

Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?

caught

↓

[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Electronic Voice ] Warning! Warning!

voice

↓

Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702.

↓

Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here.

rita

↓

I don't care. Come on!

care

↓

- [ Sirens Wailing ] - Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?

second

↓

Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.

↓

We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past,

machine past

↓

I tell her not to do the experiment.

↓

- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh--

↓

No, wait. [ Electronic Voice ] Please stand clear of the doors.

clear stand voice

↓

She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right?

must

↓

- Uh-- - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet.

↓

Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment.

↓

Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here.

↓

- Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I--

save

↓

- But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh--

↓

Goddamn, how does this time travel work?

goddamn travel

↓

- Please stand clear. - [ Policeman ] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!

clear hands stand

↓

Put your hands up! Don't move! Freeze!

hands

↓

Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail,

↓

just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way--

ahead shoot

↓

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!

↓

- What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

↓

[ Policeman ] What? [ Spraying ]

↓

[ Joe ] Ow! God! Hey, stop! Damn it.

↓

[ Joe ] What is this? [ Policeman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House.

house white

↓

What are we doing at the White House? What?

house white

↓

[ Spraying ] Ow! Ow! Goddamn!

goddamn

↓

[ Narrator ] It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test...

narrator

↓

had caught the attention of the highest levels of government.

attention caught

↓

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?

minute world

↓

The I.Q. test you took in prison.

↓

You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

brought history score

↓

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho.

president

↓

That's how come he's making you secretary of interior.

secretary

↓

Okay, so who are you?

↓

I'm the secretary of energy.

secretary

↓

He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member.

↓

I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

brought secretary

↓

- Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do.

↓

It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that?

money smart

↓

[ All Chuckling ]

↓

He's the secretary of defense. Hi.

secretary

↓

And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general.

↓

[ Whispers ] Hi.

↓

And that's the secretary of education.

secretary

↓

He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother.

kinda president stupid

↓

Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?

↓

You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake,

mistake

↓

'cause the test I took was real, real easy.

easy real

↓

I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay?

world

↓

Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior.

secretary

↓

- I don't even know what it is. - [ Secretary of State ] You better find out.

secretary

↓

- Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo,

president

↓

I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.

baby care yall

↓

[ Narrator ] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion,

five narrator

↓

porn superstar, and president of the United States...

president

↓

had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world.

called special world

↓

- So you smart, huh? - No, no.

smart

↓

- I thought your head would be bigger. - [ Muttering ]

bigger head

↓

Goddamn.

goddamn

↓

It look like a peanut. [ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Let's get you sworn in.

↓

** [ Rock Instrumental ]

↓

[ Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!

america announcer ladies president

↓

[ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering

↓

[ Announcer ] President Camacho!

announcer president

↓

[ Laughing ] Shut up.

laughing

↓

Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. ** [ Ends ]

↓

Chill out.

↓

Shit.

↓

I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit.

bad

↓

And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings.

↓

[ Man ] Yeah!

↓

- But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit!

solution

↓

I got a solution. You're a dick!

solution

↓

South Carolina, "whassup?" [ All Cheering ]

cheering south

↓

That's what I thought!

↓

Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now,

everyones

↓

but listen up.

↓

I got a three-point plan to fix everything.

plan point three

↓

[ Man ] Break it down, Camacho!

break

↓

Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure.

number

↓

- Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. than any man alive. - [ Cheering ]

alive cheering number

↓

- And number three, he's gonna fix everything. - [ Applause ]

applause number three

↓

I give you my word as president.

president word

↓

He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops.

crops dead problems

↓

He's gonna make 'em grow again.

grow

↓

- Crops? - And that ain't all. * I give you my word *

aint crops word

↓

** [ Electric Guitar ]

↓

* He's gonna fix the dust storms too *

↓

* I give you my word *

word

↓

* He's gonna fix the "ecomony" *

↓

** [ Electric Guitar Continues ]

↓

* And he's so smart *

smart

↓

- * He's gonna do it all in one week * - [ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering week

↓

[ Narrator ] President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone...

narrator president world

↓

that Joe would solve all their problems.

problems

↓

He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy,

↓

but he would cure acne and carsickness as well.

↓

And if he didn't,

↓

President Camacho made another promise.

another president promise

↓

He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.

mouth smart

↓

- And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. - [ Shouting ]

shouting throw

↓

I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President.

president

↓

I don't know how to be secretary of anything.

secretary

↓

I mean, I've never even voted, actually.

↓

I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.

secretary

↓

Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it?

↓

Besides, you do a kick-ass job,

↓

you get a full presidential pardon.

full

↓

No jail time. [ Laughing ] Yeah?

laughing

↓

Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.

↓

And get you one too.

↓

[ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Shit! [ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Hold on, vato!

↓

Whoo! [ Engine Revving ]

engine whoo

↓

[ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

- Do somethin' smart. - Yeah.

smart

↓

Uh, okay. Uh--

↓

- I'll, uh-- - [ Door Opens ]

door door-opens opens

↓

- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks.

found thanks wanted

↓

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel.

↓

You understand? So I'll be right back.

↓

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of.

care stuff

↓

- Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart.

smart sounds worked

↓

Wait here, okay? Wait there.

↓

Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House.

house room white

↓

Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone.

house white

↓

Yeah? Yeah.

↓

I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me.

brought frito glad happy real

↓

I don't know the first thing about growin' crops,

crops

↓

much less the goddamn "ecomony."

goddamn less

↓

Econ-Economy.

↓

Let's see. Growin' crops--

crops

↓

No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

machine

↓

Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff.

easy stuff

↓

It's, like-- It's, like, by the museum,

↓

sort of, but, well, actually, not really.

↓

More like-- But on the street. You go, um-- Wait. Let me start over.

start street

↓

Okay, you know where the time machine is?

machine

↓

Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?

draw

↓

You still want the money?

money

↓

Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House,

house money room white

↓

- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out!

night

↓

Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay?

smart

↓

- So act smart! - Smart like you?

smart

↓

[ With Effeminate Voice ] "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home."

home machine voice

↓

- I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that."

↓

Shit, I thought there was two of you.

↓

[ Laughs ] See?

laughs

↓

[ Secretary of Defense ] Doesn't look that big, is it?

secretary

↓

Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops.

crops

↓

Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area.

area ones

↓

All right? Hey, come on!

↓

Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right?

lead

↓

Whoa. Did you just make that up?

whoa

↓

Yes, I did. Now look,

yes

↓

I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately,

girl rita

↓

- and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why?

frito hand

↓

Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset,

↓

you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize.

team

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Utilize her! Utilize her!

↓

[ Secretary of State ] Utilize!

secretary

↓

- [ Laughing ] - Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?

bring laughing

↓

Oh, yeah. Butt first!

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

[ Secretary of Defense ] Utilize her! Okay.

secretary

↓

Dang! May I approach your benches?

↓

Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.

bad

↓

Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this?

frito

↓

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out.

buddy figure

↓

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map?

↓

Oh, yeah. Discreetly.

↓

It's right there. I see it. I see it.

↓

Stand up with me.

stand

↓

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted.

found secretary wanted

↓

Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.

future

↓

No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out.

money

↓

Don't worry though. We'll get her out...

worry

↓

on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her.

doin

↓

Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?

field hands

↓

What the fuck are you all starin' at?

↓

Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am.

↓

- Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what?

secretary

↓

Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone?

alone mind moment

↓

You know, in the bushes?

↓

Oh, man.

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

- Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?

along

↓

No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah.

handle thanks

↓

I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?

howd secretary

↓

Just keep walking. I'll explain everything.

explain

↓

Okay. Get ready to run.

ready

↓

What? Oh, goddamn it.

goddamn

↓

Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways.

frito

↓

We'll ask for directions on the way.

↓

No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find.

aint days easy looking spent

↓

Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems.

problems

↓

All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me.

upgrayedd

↓

Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!

cannot upgrayedd

↓

Oh, yeah? Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...

upgrayedd

↓

could somehow magically travel through time,

travel

↓

we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?

huge secret service

↓

So don't worry. You're safe.

worry

↓

And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back,

business

↓

you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay?

upgrayedd

↓

And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.

boyfriend

↓

Hey! She's not puttin' out?

↓

Uh, no, she is. We, uh-- We already did it.

↓

Yeah. He was great.

↓

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh,

couple

↓

if we'd go family-style on her.

family style

↓

Uh, yeah, probably not right now.

↓

We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later.

crops focus

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

- Tastes like Gatorade. - [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff?

brawndo rita stuff

↓

[ Joe ] They're watering crops with a sports drink?

crops drink

↓

[ Narrator ] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water...

brawndo narrator water

↓

virtually everywhere.

↓

Water, the basic component of all life,

life water

↓

had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin.

threat

↓

The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330...

budget crisis solution

↓

when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.A....

bought brawndo

↓

and the F.C.C....

↓

enabling them to say, do and sell...

↓

anything they wanted.

wanted

↓

Joe didn't know any of this,

↓

but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.

able might problem

↓

[ Indistinct ] With his options running out, Joe took a bold step.

indistinct options running step

↓

He would not get out of the way.

↓

This time, he would lead.

lead

↓

For the last time, I'm pretty sure...

↓

what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

brawndo crops stuff

↓

But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

plants

↓

So wait a minute. What you're saying...

minute

↓

is that you want us to put water on the crops.

crops water

↓

- Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet?

toilet water yes

↓

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

idea toilet

↓

- But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes.

plants

↓

Okay, look.

↓

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working.

growing plants working

↓

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

grow plants water

↓

Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

grow plants seen toilet

↓

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

aint world

↓

- [ Chuckling ] - You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon.

problem

↓

So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

plants worry

↓

Brawndo's got what plants crave.

plants

↓

- Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

goddamn

↓

What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

↓

It's what they use to make Brawndo.

brawndo

↓

Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

brawndo

↓

'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.

↓

[ Narrator ] After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...

finally hours narrator reason

↓

and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants...

plants

↓

and that they wanted water.

wanted water

↓

He made believers out of everyone.

↓

Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes...

↓

were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades,

building

↓

killing plants and leading to the dust bowl.

plants

↓

As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water,

crops ordered secretary water

↓

promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end.

grow plants

↓

He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon.

fast full track

↓

- Or so it seemed. - [ All Shouting ]

shouting

↓

Man, I hope somethin' grows fast.

fast hope

↓

Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home.

home

↓

Man. You really think those people would have starved to death?

↓

I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this?

world

↓

You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers.

bad comin

↓

- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm.

feeling weird

↓

- I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither.

used

↓

You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

bunch

↓

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

↓

- Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah.

built

↓

Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops--

↓

Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. No. No.

↓

They said that you got me a pardon.

↓

You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...

↓

I guess I owe you one.

↓

You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.

floor

↓

Oh. No. I'm-- I'm all right. Yeah.

↓

Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that.

happy upgrayedd

↓

You in bed with a stranger.

↓

- [ Snickers ] - Yeah.

↓

[ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

I know. I know.

↓

[ Laughing Continues ]

laughing

↓

[ Joe ] Yeah. Oh, boy.

↓

Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.

upgrayedd

↓

[ Joe ] Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.

upgrayedd

↓

[ Narrator ] Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked.

might narrator plan worked

↓

But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero,

brawndo dropped

↓

leaving half the population unemployed,

half

↓

dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting...

↓

and screaming for Joe's head.

head screaming

↓

An emergency cabinet meeting was called...

called emergency meeting

↓

with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation.

brawndo

↓

How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?

brawndo

↓

Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo.

brawndo half works

↓

Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero,

anymore dropped

↓

and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody.

computer everybody

↓

- We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?

makes

↓

- Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but--

water

↓

- You mean this is all your fault? - What?

fault

↓

Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water!

fault started water

↓

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

brought

↓

[ Announcer ] Fox News.

announcer news

↓

He tried taking water from toilets,

tried water

↓

but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now.

secretary toilet

↓

And as history pulls down its pants...

history pants

↓

and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head,

head

↓

it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time.

↓

We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis...

live

↓

at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial.

↓

Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow...

slow started

↓

with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.

bunch smart

↓

[ With Effeminate Voice ] Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!

believe voice

↓

[ Normal Voice ] That part of the trial sucked.

normal part voice

↓

But then, the chief "J" just went off.

↓

He said, "Man, whatever.

↓

The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that."

↓

And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation.

night

↓

Hey, rehabilitation? One night?

night

↓

Doesn't sound so bad.

bad sound

↓

Not so bad, huh?

bad

↓

Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation.

weeks

↓

[ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering

↓

[ Engine Revving ]

engine

↓

[ Formica ] And who could forget that wonderful finish...

finish forget

↓

by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?

↓

[ Chuckling ] And tomorrow night looks even more better.

night tomorrow

↓

Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.

might word

↓

Wow. Thank you, Formica.

↓

So you think you can escape again like you did last time?

↓

No. They pretty much fixed that. How?

↓

They chained me to a big rock.

↓

- [ Rita ] Oh. - Yeah.

rita

↓

Look, Rita, get Frito.

frito rita

↓

Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait.

machine

↓

No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't.

↓

Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay?

↓

Tell people to read books.

books read

↓

Tell people to stay in school, you know.

school

↓

Tell people to just use their brains or something.

↓

I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.

world

↓

I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know?

artist life

↓

So just go back and-- [ Guard ] Visit's over!

↓

And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay?

rita

↓

Good luck, Joe.

↓

[ Groans ]

↓

[ Announcer ] Okay, that's five down and one more to go.

announcer five

↓

Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death?

ready truck

↓

Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army.

↓

** [ Rock ]

↓

[ Announcer ] Okay, we're gonna do this shit.

announcer

↓

But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem,

lead

↓

the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez!

star

↓

Thank you. Thank you.

↓

[ Man ] Hey! Come here! * Oh, say can you see *

↓

Come here! * By the dawn's early light *

early light

↓

[ Groans ] [ Announcer ] Right in the balls!

announcer

↓

- [ All Laughing ] - That's just how that shit went on TV!

laughing

↓

[ Announcer ] This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.

announcer brawndo brought

↓

After you've killed someone... [ Knocking ]

↓

your body needs electrolytes. Yeah.

needs

↓

So, my car's out front...

front

↓

whenever you want me to take you...

↓

to the time machine.

machine

↓

Thanks, Frito.

frito thanks

↓

Yeah. [ Announcer ] I can't hear you!

announcer

↓

That's a real bummer about Joe, huh?

real

↓

[ Announcer ] I can't hear you! Yeah.

announcer

↓

Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation.

love

↓

[ Announcer ] Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight.

announcer meet tonight

↓

With a combined record of 62 kills,

record

↓

please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer!

vinny welcome

↓

And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster!

↓

I get a truck too, right?

truck

↓

Yeah. Here it comes.

comes

↓

[ Engine Sputtering ]

engine

↓

[ Guards Chuckling ]

↓

Get in.

↓

You still got the chain attached.

↓

- [ Guard ] Door won't shut. - What about the chain?

door

↓

We could break it. No. He could escape.

break

↓

I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. Yeah. That'll work.

idea

↓

- [ Guard ] Who's smart now? - [ Announcer ] Let's bring out our criminal.

announcer bring smart

↓

He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops.

crops toilet tried water

↓

He cost millions of people their jobs.

jobs

↓

Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure!

ready

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die.

↓

[ Announcer ] Are you ready for some car-on-car action?

action announcer ready

↓

Yes.

yes

↓

I can't watch this. This is--

watch

↓

This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry.

hope

↓

Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look!

frito

↓

He was right. The water-- it worked.

water worked

↓

Frito, can you get me over there?

frito

↓

Yes.

yes

↓

No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place.

place

↓

Uh, this way. Yeah!

↓

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

frito hurry

↓

[ Announcer ] And now the dude that everybody came here to see,

announcer everybody

↓

- Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history,

history

↓

coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass,

coming

↓

driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history--

built history

↓

bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster,

bigger

↓

bigger and huger than everything ever before in history--

bigger history

↓

the brand-new Assdozer!

↓

- Give it up for Beef Supreme! - ** [ Rock ]

↓

Oh!

↓

Oh!

↓

[ Announcer ] Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?

announcer

↓

We seem to be "experimenting"...

↓

some "techmological" differences,

↓

so, uh, shit.

↓

Frito, look!

frito

↓

It's working everywhere! Huh.

working

↓

[ Announcer ] Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.

announcer

↓

Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-- Man.

kinda

↓

Hey! Oh, oh, okay.

↓

Get this shit started! We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.

start started

↓

Let the rehabilitation begin!

begin

↓

- [ Engine Stalls ] - Oh, shit.

engine

↓

Come on. Come on. [ Engine Cranking ]

engine

↓

[ Rita ] Come on, Frito. Hurry!

frito hurry rita

↓

- Oh! - [ Engine Starts ]

engine starts

↓

Goddamn it.

goddamn

↓

- Yeah! - Jesus, that was close.

↓

Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you.

president

↓

You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water.

water

↓

We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing.

crops growing

↓

I didn't see no crops.

crops

↓

[ Announcer ] They're circling around.

announcer

↓

They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him!

↓

- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh!

nobody

↓

[ Announcer ] So, uh-- So the winner is, uh--

announcer

↓

- [ Announcer ] You gotta be shittin' me. - Did he win?

announcer

↓

Uh-oh. Look.

↓

[ Announcer ] Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!

announcer

↓

** [ Rock ]

↓

[ Announcer ] Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!

announcer

↓

Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road...

crops frito remember

↓

right by the Starbucks? Uh-huh.

↓

Hey. Wanna make some money? I like money.

money

↓

Hey, um, the, uh-- the main screen is malfunctioning,

↓

and they gonna need you outside immediately.

↓

There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.

bunch hallway

↓

Come on, Frito. Hurry.

frito hurry

↓

Can't believe you like money too.

believe money

↓

We should hang out. Totally.

hang

↓

[ Announcer ] He's behind the truck!

announcer behind truck

↓

- Yes! Yes! - [ Mouthing Words ]

words yes

↓

He's behind the fucking truck! He's over there!

behind truck

↓

[ Announcer ] Behind the truck, stupid!

announcer behind stupid truck

↓

Look!

↓

Shit. That's a good deal.

deal

↓

- [ Frito ] Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too.

bunch extra frito money

↓

Forgot what it was for. Huh.

forgot

↓

- You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably.

↓

- [ Frito ] You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. - What the fuck?

frito money

↓

Yeah! Yeah!

↓

- Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? - [ Crowd Booing ]

easy

↓

Can I just say something here?

↓

I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.

↓

I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did.

earth person

↓

I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money,

jobs lose money

↓

and I'm very sorry that that happened.

happened

↓

But I'm tellin' you,

↓

if you put water on the crops, it might actually--

crops might water

↓

No, it will work. I promise you!

promise

↓

You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all.

believe wanted

↓

So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever.

shoot

↓

But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.

question yourselves

↓

Do you really want to live in a world...

live world

↓

where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you?

blow person tryin

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

Hold on. Just hold on.

↓

[ Indistinct ]

indistinct

↓

Oh, man. That was great.

↓

Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?

pants wearing

↓

Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin?

pants

↓

Wait. This reminds me of something.

↓

Uh, "Rehabil-- Rehabilate--

↓

- Rehabilation." - Why do you keep trying to read that word?

read word

↓

- You a fag? - I'll fag your face!

face

↓

- Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so.

frito

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

This guy just got his ass a pardon!

↓

[ All Cheering ]

cheering

↓

[ Laughing ] Yeah!

laughing

↓

** [ Rock ]

↓

Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say.

rita

↓

You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me.

life ones

↓

Yeah, well,

↓

you were looking out for the whole world so, you know,

looking whole world

↓

- I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks.

thanks

↓

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but...

believe

↓

even though these people tried to kill me,

kill tried

↓

- you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah.

kinda miss

↓

Frito-- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine.

frito machine ride

↓

I just, uh-- I hope he's okay to drive.

hope

↓

It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show.

love

↓

Thank you so much.

↓

- Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What?

↓

I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.

bad fall

↓

Maybe it's time I got a new start.

start

↓

Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here.

↓

I'm gonna be a C.E.O. At Starbucks?

↓

Yeah. Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?

↓

Yeah. Sure.

↓

I guess this is good-bye then.

↓

[ Camacho ] Hey, hey, hey, hey!

↓

I got a couple presidential decrees to make!

couple

↓

Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is.

↓

[ Crowd Cheering ]

cheering

↓

Let me get that little peanut head up here.

head

↓

Yo. Yo. [ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

I have decided...

decided

↓

to make this man--

↓

the man who solved all our problems--

problems

↓

I have decided to make him...

decided

↓

my new vice president.

president

↓

[ All Cheering ]

cheering

↓

Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir,

cool president real thanks

↓

- but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why?

↓

- You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems.

home problems

↓

Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves.

yourselves

↓

- How? - Think about it, you know?

↓

You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops.

crops figure

↓

But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?

figure

↓

And what about the nuc-- "nucular" reactor in Florida?

↓

It's broke and leaky and something's happening.

broke

↓

- I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.

↓

Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?

toilet water

↓

- Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea.

idea

↓

[ Minister of Defense ] Like we did on the crops. Come on, vato.

crops

↓

Hey, you can't leave.

↓

Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?

happened lead outta

↓

I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what?

anymore outta

↓

- Forget about the time machine. - Yeah!

forget machine

↓

[ All Cheering ]

cheering

↓

That ride sucks anyways.

ride

↓

Ride?

ride

↓

[ Male Voice ] Welcome to the Time Masheen.

voice welcome

↓

We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939...

↓

when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime...

charlie evil

↓

enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.

tried world

↓

So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?

ride whole

↓

Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh?

travel

↓

- Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah.

↓

For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes.

sometimes world

↓

- So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.

money

↓

But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.

machine money real

↓

You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account.

account open

↓

Uh, uh, uh--

↓

Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay.

worry

↓

Well, I guess we're stuck here.

↓

[ Male Voice ] But then an even greater force emerged-- the "UN."

voice

↓

And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.

forever world

↓

[ Narrator ] And so, after serving a short term as vice president,

narrator president short term

↓

Joe was elected the president of America.

america president

↓

Frito became vice president,

frito president

↓

and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady.

lady rita

↓

Today I step into the shoes of a great man,

shoes step today

↓

a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo...

name

↓

Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

↓

[ Narrator ] Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned.

narrator president

↓

You know, there was a time in this country...

↓

when smart people were considered cool.

cool smart

↓

Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things...

cool smart

↓

like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon.

build

↓

[ Man ] Yeah!

↓

And there was a time in this country, a long time ago,

↓

when reading wasn't just for fags...

reading

↓

and neither was writing.

↓

People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories...

books movies

↓

so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

↓

And I believe that time can come again!

believe

↓

[ All Cheering ]

cheering

↓

[ All Chanting ] Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!

↓

[ Narrator ] Joe and Rita had three children,

children narrator rita three

↓

the three smartest kids in the world.

kids three world

↓

Vice President Frito took eight wives...

eight frito president

↓

and had a total of 32 kids--

kids

↓

thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.

earth kids walk

↓

Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind,

save

↓

but he got the ball rolling,

ball

↓

and that's pretty good for an average guy.

↓

I'm gonna go find this ho.