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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E02 — The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 2 — The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore

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Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!

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- Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! - Hey!

↓

- Burn! Burn! Burn! Yeah. Cool. - What are you guys burning?

cool

↓

Bunch of garbage that's just taking up space.

bunch space

↓

No, goddamn it!

goddamn

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Wait. Frank, why are you burning our photo album pictures?

frank pictures

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What do you mean? Because it's trash.

trash

↓

You kidding me? Oh, my God.

kidding

↓

Dude, these are all the pictures

pictures

↓

from our Jersey Shore vacations.

shore

↓

- You were gonna burn these? - Yeah.

↓

These were like the happiest days of our lives.

days lives

↓

Oh, come on. Jersey Shore sucked.

shore

↓

The shore didn't suck, Frank. You sucked, okay?

frank shore

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You just complained the whole time and ruined it for everyone else.

ruined whole

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Yeah, because I had to do all the work. I never got to relax.

↓

I would love to go on a vacation.

love vacation

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Oh, my God. Me, too. I would love to go on a vacation.

love vacation

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Yeah, but not to the Jersey Shore, though.

shore

↓

I mean, that place sounds like a nightmare.

place sounds

↓

What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?

shore

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Come on. You've seen that TV show.

seen

↓

It's just a bunch of sweaty guidos

bunch

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getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases.

giving

↓

No. The Jersey Shore is nothing like that.

shore

↓

It's a magical place where people swim in the ocean

place

↓

and they get to ride on fun rides and they get to have their first kiss.

ride

↓

Dude, you would love it.

love

↓

Well, hang on a second. I've never seen the ocean.

hang second seen

↓

I... I could get into that if you guys wanna go down to the shore.

shore

↓

- Aw, yes! - Yes!

yes

↓

- We should all go to the shore together. - I'll tell you what.

shore

↓

Maybe I'll knock myself out and we'll head down to the shore.

head knock shore

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Yeah, but I feel like you're just gonna screw it up

↓

- if you try and knock yourself out. - Yeah. Yeah.

knock

↓

You're probably going to come to halfway there and then complain

↓

- the rest of the time. - Yeah. I'll tell you what.

rest

↓

Why don't I take the rag? I'll get the chloroform.

↓

I'll get you when you least expect it.

↓

- All right, sweet. - Yeah?

sweet

↓

Yeah! Going down to the Jersey Shore!

shore

↓

Yeah, going to the shore, baby!

baby shore

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Now, this ocean, explain it to me. It goes on forever?

explain forever

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Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

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- Something like that. - There's a smell too, like...

↓

Don't sweat it, you guys. Listen.

↓

With any luck at all, we won't be spending any time here,

↓

- so just think of it more like a locker. - Yes!

yes

↓

I'm sorry. Is no one gonna talk about Dee's hair?

hair

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Oh. I was waiting to pounce. I just didn't know what our cue was.

waiting

↓

Yeah, I was waiting for Dennis to jump on top of it.

waiting

↓

- And then we were gonna slay her. - Yeah.

↓

No, no. It's fine. All the cool girls get their hair braided at the shore.

cool hair shore

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- I think she looks like Bo Derek. - Thank you, Dennis.

↓

Mmm-hmm. You see, Dee and I have some very fond memories of the shore.

shore

↓

We're not going to have you sullying those great memories

↓

- with all your goddamn insults. - Mmm-mmm.

goddamn

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Are you drinking sunscreen?

↓

No, no. It's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.

↓

Uh, yeah. Very strict open container laws here at the Jersey Shore.

open shore

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Cheers.

cheers

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Holy shit!

↓

- Is that the ocean? - Yep.

↓

Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.

buddy

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What's on the other side of it there?

↓

- Europe. - Yeah.

↓

- Now, how long would it take... - Do not try and swim to Europe.

↓

- No. - Don't swim to Europe.

↓

- Do not. - As a matter of fact, why don't you stick

fact matter stick

↓

with Dee and I because we can show you the ropes here

↓

at the Jersey Shore. All right, everybody,

everybody shore

↓

you know what time it is!

↓

Let's go strut the beach.

↓

Not struttin' shit. No beach struttin' for me.

↓

I'm gonna find a place to relax and unwind.

place

↓

- Frank, I'm with you. - Yeah.

frank

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Why don't you grab us some booze? I'll go down to the beach

↓

and get us some prime real estate

real

↓

before those gorilla dickheads get down there.

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Gonna relax. Let's do it! - Let's get out of here.

↓

Oh, man, this ocean breeze feels so good on my scalp.

feels

↓

Yeah, it feels awesome. The sand feels good beneath my feet.

feels feet

↓

- Uh-huh. - I'm a little curious

↓

- as to where all the people are, though. - No idea. No idea.

idea

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Didn't want to say anything. Didn't want to ruin the mood,

↓

but where are the people? I'm seeing a lot more dogs than people, right?

seeing

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There are a shit ton of dogs out here. I tell ya.

↓

- Where are their masters? - I don't think these dogs have masters.

↓

I think these dogs play by their own rules.

↓

Well, clearly, the action has shifted elsewhere.

action

↓

- Wanna go to the boardwalk? - Hey, let's go to the boardwalk!

↓

- Yes! - Yeah! Hey, Charlie!

charlie yes

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- Charlie! - Come here!

charlie

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Dude! Oh, my God! This place is amazing!

amazing place

↓

- Right? - Yeah!

↓

All right! And the sunblock drink? Nice, guys.

drink

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- They're really good. They're really good. - Yeah.

↓

Thing is, I didn't make you one.

↓

Oh!

↓

Ah, Jesus Christ, Charlie. You're drinking sunblock.

charlie

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Oh, it's good. It gets you-- it gets you all...

↓

Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals, and they're getting you high.

↓

- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

matter

↓

Okay, we're going to the boardwalk. What do you say?

↓

Oh, really?

↓

- You wanna leave? - Yeah.

↓

I feel like we're just scratching the surface of all the cool shit out here.

cool

↓

What cool shit?

cool

↓

Well, the sea specimens, the stray dogs,

↓

the trash that floated over from Europe.

trash

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Yeah, but we didn't come here to play with stray dogs and trash, man.

trash

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We came here to soak up the culture.

↓

And the boardwalk is the cultural center

↓

of the Jersey Shore, so let's go there. Come on, man!

shore

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- Yeah, all right. - Going to the boardwalk.

↓

Yo, Mac.

↓

You see that sign there that says "toxic spill?"

sign

↓

- Yeah. - What's that?

↓

Disregard that, Frank. It's a bunch of liberal bullshit.

bunch frank

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- Right. Right. This is a nice spot. - Yeah, yeah.

spot

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Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.

supposed whoa

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Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.

↓

It is loaded with booze.

↓

Goddamn it, Frank, eating your drinks?

eating frank goddamn

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- That is genius! - Ow!

genius

↓

- What? - What the...

↓

What the-- what is that?

↓

- Oh, yeah. - I got stuck with a needle.

↓

Yeah, that's a syringe. Be careful. They are everywhere.

↓

The beach is full of syringes. Why is that?

full

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Well, we're in the steroid capital of the world, Frank.

frank world

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To be honest with you, as a man who works very hard

hard works

↓

to maintain a certain level of physical excellence, I find shortcuts insulting.

level

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Now give me a piece of ham now.

piece

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Hey, check that out.

check

↓

What?

↓

- What the hell's a dog doing here? - Hey, hey, get out of here!

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- Get out of here! - Get out of here!

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Goddamn dogs. I'm telling you, dude.

goddamn telling

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They were lurking before, and now they're swarming.

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I'm not sharing my ham with no dogs.

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I got a great idea.

idea

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Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes,

cool warm

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getting ripshit on ham.

↓

Might you say we're getting "hammered?"

might

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Oh! Nice one.

↓

This was a great idea, Frank. Great idea.

frank idea

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This is 90-proof ham.

↓

Screw you, mutts!

↓

Get out of here, you bitch! Come and get it.

↓

Stupid dogs. We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.

frank stupid

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- Dude, this is the boardwalk, man. - Yeah.

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- Yeah! - This is amazing.

amazing

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Yeah. But it's a little bit more desolate than I was hoping it would be.

hoping

↓

Yeah, but that's okay. It's still really great.

↓

Oh. Charlie, there's all kinds of rides and games

charlie

↓

and opportunities to win stuffed toys.

toys

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Yeah, man, the boardwalk is a blast, man.

↓

But it is under the boardwalk where the action really happens.

action

↓

- Trust me, pal. - Oh, yeah?

trust

↓

- Yeah. - Oh, what's down there?

↓

Oh, Charlie, come on.

charlie

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So, under the boardwalk's where it's at, huh?

↓

- Oh, yeah, man. - Charlie, this is going to knock

charlie knock

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your socks off. You never know who you're gonna run into,

↓

what they're gonna be doing. You love the bridge, right?

love

↓

- Yeah. - This is a lot like being under the bridge

↓

- I would think. - It's way better than that.

↓

- Yeah? - Under the boardwalk

↓

is a magical place, man. I have a special place in my heart

heart place special

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- 'cause I had my first kiss down here. - Mmm-hmm.

↓

Did you? Dude, all kinds of romantic shit happens...

↓

Oh, God! Oh, God!

↓

Oh, no! No! No!

↓

- No! - No! No! What was that?

↓

- Two homeless guys banging each other. - I saw.

↓

But why? That's not magical. That's not romantic.

↓

- That's your idea of romantic? No! - There are other kinds of romances

idea

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- that happen under here. - I don't wanna see anything else like that

happen

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You know what? I'm out of here. 'Cause you guys are perverted.

↓

- You get out of here. - Yeah. You get out of here.

↓

- You get out of here, Charlie. - Son of a bitch.

charlie

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Aw!

↓

Where's the beach?

↓

- Frank, wake up! - What?

frank

↓

- What's the matter? - Where's the beach?

matter

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Uh, uh, I don't know.

↓

We're in the middle of the goddamn ocean!

goddamn middle

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Yes, we are.

yes

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- What are we gonna do? - Well, we're going to conk out for a while

↓

and let the current gently roll us back to shore.

shore

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Frank, the current is what brought us out here in the first place.

brought frank place

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If anything, we should be paddling against it to get back to the beach.

↓

I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that.

↓

Frank, Frank, we are no longer in relaxing mode.

frank longer

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- We are now in survival mode. - Will you stop being so dramatic?

↓

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

minute

↓

Where's the rum ham?

↓

- Wha... - Where's the rum...

↓

Ah!

↓

Rum ham!

↓

- No, Frank. Stay in the boat. - Rum ham!

frank

↓

- Frank, stay in the boat! - Oh, rum ham!

frank

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I'm sorry, rum ham!

↓

I'm sorry, rum ham!

↓

Oh, rum ham.

↓

Yeah, this is gonna be great, right?

↓

- Of course it is. - Nothing like some good, innocent,

course

↓

wholesome, above-the-boardwalk fun

↓

- to, uh, get us back on track. - Yes.

track yes

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Yes. Take a step back from the situation, get a clearer perspective.

situation step yes

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Yeah, and then we'll plummet 20 stories and the rush will propel us forward

forward

↓

- into an awesome evening. - Yeah.

↓

And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying events that we've just witnessed.

↓

These beads are really digging into my back.

↓

Wind--I don't know--

wind

↓

I don't know if we should have come back here.

↓

I think we made a mistake, because we have so many memories.

mistake

↓

Oh, no. Is my hair stuck?

hair

↓

- Yeah. - It feels like it's--yeah?

feels

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Well, get it.

↓

- No. - Get it out, because we're about to drop--

drop

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- get it! Stick your hand... - You think I'm going to stick my fingers

fingers hand stick

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- into the machinery? - Hey! Hey, you down there!

↓

Do not make it go, because my hair is stuck,

hair

↓

and something terrible will happen!

happen

↓

- Oh, that's really in there. - Oh, you idiot, stop the ride!

idiot ride

↓

Don't fall!

fall

↓

Don't make it fall!

fall

↓

Ow!

↓

Hey.

↓

- How you holding up, sis? - Uh, not well, Dennis. Not well.

↓

Do you have any idea how horrifying it was

idea

↓

to ride that back up to get my hair?

hair ride

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Yeah, well, be thankful you got it back.

↓

I just wanna get my scalp sewn back on and get the hell out of this miserable town.

town

↓

I'm starting to wonder what the hell we ever saw in this place,

place starting wonder

↓

you know what I mean?

↓

I mean, look at this girl. What's her story?

girl story

↓

She's got a decent bone structure.

structure

↓

She was probably very pretty when she was young.

young

↓

- Yeah. - Probably spent her summers here,

spent

↓

lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.

cream

↓

Mmm, but she didn't want her summers to end,

↓

so she got herself a fake I.D. and a push-up bra,

push

↓

- and started hanging out at the local bars - Right.

local started

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Developed a nasty coke habit,

↓

- cause she loved the way it made her feel. - Mmm-hmm.

loved

↓

But then extreme highs gave way to extreme lows

↓

and she fell into a depression.

↓

- Had herself a kid. - Mmm.

↓

Thought it would give her a sense of purpose.

↓

And it did, for a while, till she started using again.

started using

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - And then social services

social

↓

came knocking at the door, and now the kid lives upstate

door lives

↓

with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid.

care

↓

- No. - And here she is, festering away

↓

in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the H.I.V.

waiting

↓

- to turn into AIDS... - Ugh!

↓

...and wondering what the hell...

↓

You know I can hear you, right?

↓

Oh, sorry. We were just using you as a metaphor, though.

using

↓

- Yeah. - We didn't mean

↓

anything personal.

personal

↓

Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

↓

Hey.

↓

Hey, baby.

baby

↓

- Jesus, are you seeing this? - Mmm-hmm.

seeing

↓

God, even the doctors in this town are drug dealers.

drug town

↓

Oh, hey. What are you doing?

↓

Who are you? Where did you come from? Get out of here! Drop it!

drop

↓

No. Goddamn it! Goddamn you!

goddamn

↓

I hate this town, Dennis!

hate town

↓

- I hate this town! - Okay, okay, all right.

hate town

↓

Well, calm down. It's understandable.

calm

↓

- You are missing a piece of your scalp. - Yeah.

missing piece

↓

Sounds like you two could use a break.

break sounds

↓

Wanna come party with me and my friends?

friends party

↓

- Yeah. Yes. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

yes

↓

- I'm so thirsty. - Well, gargle some more water, bitch.

water

↓

- I've been gargling. - Well, don't snap at me.

↓

Well, quit acting so bossy.

quit

↓

Okay, you know what? We can't fight, all right?

fight

↓

We're both very cranky. We haven't eaten in a very long time.

↓

I'm starving.

↓

Okay, all right, look, maybe I'll dive down there.

↓

I'll spear a tuna. I'll wrestle him on board and we'll feast.

board

↓

- Boom! Let's eat. - All right.

↓

Give me the knife.

↓

- I can't give you the knife. - What? Why not?

↓

'Cause there may come a time when difficult decisions must be made,

must

↓

and I'd rather be the one with the knife.

↓

What difficult decisions? What are you talking about?

↓

You know, like things you do to stay alive.

alive

↓

Are you talking about killing and eating me, Frank?

eating frank

↓

All I'm saying is that when you go into survival mode,

↓

it's every man for himself.

↓

You seem like you're in survival mode right now.

↓

Maybe I am. Maybe I ain't, rum ham.

aint

↓

Did you just call me rum ham?

↓

Frank, Frank, we cannot be talking

cannot frank

↓

about killing and eating each other already, okay?

eating

↓

- Tell that to the rum ham. - Stop talking about the goddamn rum ham!

goddamn

↓

- It should have been you! - No! Oh!

↓

- It should have been you! - Jesus! Oh, no!

↓

Oh, no.

↓

- Uh-oh. Oh... - You see what you've done?

↓

You've murdered us both, you son of a bitch!

↓

Oh, shit! What's that?

↓

- It's a boat! - It's a boat!

↓

We're saved!

↓

Hey, is that an Italian flag?

↓

Oh, it's the guidos!

↓

- Guidos! - Hey!

↓

- We're here! - Over here!

↓

- Oh! - Ah!

↓

Oh!

↓

- Way! - Charlie?

charlie

↓

Hey!

↓

Oh, my God. What are you doing down here?

↓

Did you follow me all the way to the Jersey Shore?

shore

↓

No. No, I swear.

↓

I'm just down here with-- but that's cool.

cool

↓

Can you believe we're-- that's like destiny!

believe

↓

What-- what's in your hand?

hand

↓

Something stupid I found. No big deal.

deal found stupid

↓

Can I see it?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Wow.

↓

That's really beautiful.

↓

I'll tell you what. I mean...

↓

I think that's a pretty rare one,

↓

but you can keep it if you want.

↓

Thanks, Charlie.

charlie thanks

↓

Sure.

↓

So, you gonna insult me and walk away, or what's going on here?

walk

↓

No. I, um--I don't-- I don't know, you know.

↓

I love the beach so much, and it's so beautiful.

love

↓

I could probably just hang out here for a little while.

hang

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Just don't go under the boardwalk.

↓

Okay.

↓

Guys, this is Dennis and Dee. I told them they could roll with us tonight.

tonight

↓

Yeah. Uh, hi.

↓

Oh, we're, uh, looking forward to partying with you all tonight.

forward looking tonight

↓

- Does Bobby know about this? - Don't worry. They're cool.

cool worry

↓

Yeah. So, uh, what are we getting into tonight, you guys?

tonight

↓

Yeah!

↓

Just waiting for Bobby.

waiting

↓

Then we're gonna hit the liquor store.

store

↓

All right, cool. Yeah, well, you can't have a party without liquor.

cool party

↓

- That's right. - So, yeah. Let's hit the liquor store.

store

↓

Who the hell are these two?

↓

Well, you're Bobby, I guess.

↓

Uh, we are just new acquaintances

↓

of your friend Stephanie over here.

friend

↓

Harmless people.

↓

You guys cool?

cool

↓

- Yeah. - Well, I hate to toot my own horn,

hate

↓

but I am pretty cool, Bobby.

cool

↓

- Hit that. - Yeah.

↓

And I can tell by the way you're staring at me

↓

that you're wondering if I'm cool too.

cool

↓

I'm just going to go ahead and nip that in the bud right now, so...

ahead

↓

Ooh.

↓

- Ooh. - Oh, shit.

↓

- That does not taste like weed. - It burns a lot.

taste

↓

It's angel dust.

↓

Angel...

↓

- Dust. - Embrace the night.

night

↓

What's over there?

↓

...my mind off of you

mind

↓

Back here at home there's nothin' to do

home nothin

↓

Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!

↓

- Are you guys ready to get it? - Let's get some beer!

ready

↓

- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! - No!

↓

Yeah!

↓

- Wha--wha... - What's happening? What's happening?

↓

Vacation, all I ever wanted

vacation wanted

↓

Vacation, had to get away

vacation

↓

Vacation, meant to be spent alone

alone spent vacation

↓

Hi.

↓

Drive! Drive now! You, drive!

↓

Drive! Drive! Drive!

↓

Thanks, man. Thanks, bro.

thanks

↓

Hurry up. Hurry up!

hurry

↓

Hurry up!

hurry

↓

- Oh, my God! - Stop crying!

↓

Pick him up! Pick him up!

pick

↓

Go, get him!

↓

Vacation, all I ever wanted

vacation wanted

↓

Vacation, had to get away

vacation

↓

Rum ham!

↓

Vacation, meant to be spent alone

alone spent vacation

↓

Vacation, all I ever wanted

vacation wanted

↓

Vacation, had to get away

vacation

↓

Dig! Come on! Dig! Dig! Hurry up!

hurry

↓

Dig! Shut up! Shut up and dig!

↓

Come on, dig!

↓

Shoot 'em!

shoot

↓

Vacation, had to get away

vacation

↓

Vacation, meant to be spent alone

alone spent vacation

↓

Vacation, all I ever wanted

vacation wanted

↓

Vacation, had to get away

vacation

↓

Vacation, meant to be spent alone

alone spent vacation

↓

Oh, my God! Charlie!

charlie

↓

Hey. What a night.

night

↓

What the...

↓

Did you rape me last night?

night

↓

What? No!

↓

- Gross. No! - Then...

↓

Okay, why am I waking up next to you on a deserted beach?

↓

'Cause we fell asleep here last night. What's going on with you?

asleep night

↓

Oh, my God. I was--

↓

I was on ecstasy last night, Charlie.

charlie night

↓

You have to tell me everything that happened.

happened

↓

Oh!

↓

Boy, you're really off the wagon, huh?

↓

- Drinking, drugs... - Oh, my God.

drugs

↓

Well, it was a cool night. I mean, we laughed.

cool night

↓

We collected sea specimens.

↓

We drank some ocean. You got a little sick from drinking the ocean.

sick

↓

- I loved it, though. - That sounds really weird and gross.

loved sounds weird

↓

Oh, really?

↓

Well, I suppose now you think this is weird and gross.

weird

↓

Oh, my God, Charlie! Come on!

charlie

↓

- What? - Ugh!

↓

Well, hang on a second. Where are you going?

hang second

↓

Uh, let's see.

↓

Last night I lived out one of my actual nightmares,

night

↓

so I'm gonna go and take a shower.

↓

Well, hang on-- hang on a second.

hang second

↓

I suppose you want this back.

↓

What is that?

↓

That's a jewel you gave me. You said you wanted me to have it.

wanted

↓

Charlie, that's a piece of a broken glass bottle.

charlie piece

↓

All right. Well, maybe I'll see you Friday or something.

friday

↓

No! No!

↓

Okay.

↓

Hmm.

↓

I guess that's just summer love.

love summer

↓

Crazy.

crazy

↓

Bro, our night was way more amazing. And it actually happened.

amazing happened night

↓

What do you mean, it actually happened? Why do you keep saying that?

happened

↓

You don't think I spent the night with the waitress?

night spent

↓

- No! - Then where'd I get this, dude?

whered

↓

- Where'd I get that? - I assume you got it out of the trash,

trash whered

↓

or dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.

↓

cannot believe you're not...

believe cannot cannot-believe

↓

Here they come.

↓

Okay. All right.

↓

- Everyone, get in the car! - Let's go! Let's go!

↓

- Let's go! Come on, come on! - Get in the car!

↓

Guys, you will not believe the night we had.

believe night

↓

I don't care. There is no meaning to life anymore.

anymore care life

↓

It takes a classy man to admit when he was wrong. And I was wrong.

takes

↓

- I love the Jersey Shore. - Oh, you love it?

love shore

↓

Oh, you love it so much here? Get in the goddamn car, you fat, fat ass!

goddamn love

↓

- Fat, fat ass! - We hung out with these Jersey dudes.

↓

- They're the shits. - Aw, man, they talk awesome.

↓

I don't know why these guys get such a bad rap.

bad

↓

- Yeah. - They're pretty cool.

cool

↓

Let me tell you something, Mac.

↓

There are far worse people at the Jersey Shore

shore worse

↓

than the cast of the Jersey Shore.

shore

↓

It's a horrible town. It's a horrible town filled with horrible people.

town

↓

I don't know about that. I think it's a magical town.

town

↓

Hell, yeah.

↓

Beautiful, magical town.

town

↓

Oh, when the sun beats down

↓

And burns the tar up on the roof

↓

And your shoes get so hot

shoes

↓

You wish your tired feet were fireproof

feet wish

↓

Under the boardwalk

↓

Down by the sea, yeah

↓

On a blanket with my baby

baby

↓

Is where I'll be

↓

Under the boardwalk...