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Home » Idiocracy » S01E01 — Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Idiocracy

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Really?
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Think, uh-- You think maybe you could wait a day?
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Baby, I can wait two days.
babydays
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Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.
charge
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Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.
babyglad
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Thank you very much, young man.
young
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What the fuck?
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Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.
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What are we doin' here?
doin
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Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.
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[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.
americaprogramvoicewelcome
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Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.
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Thank you. [ Mechanical Whirring ]
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Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card--
name
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Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if--
number
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You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?
correctname
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No, it's not correct. [ Dings ]
correct
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Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?
correct
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No, it's not. My name is Joe-- [ Beeping ]
beepingname
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You've already confirmed your first name is Not.
name
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Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My--
name
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My last name is not Sure. [ Dings ]
name
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- Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
name
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Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
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- Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? - [ Buzzing ]
buzzingsecondstart
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Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?
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They're gonna tat-- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
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- Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph.
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- [ Whirring ] - [ Beeping ]
beeping
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Oh, that's fuckin' great.
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Okay, sir,
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now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.
begin
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What for?
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Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at...
figure
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and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.
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[ Electronic Voice ] If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
voice
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and another bucket that holds five gallons,
anotherfive
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how many buckets do you have?
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Two?
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Thank you.
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* Lord, I wonder what's the matter *
lordmatterwonder
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* Time, you know, with time *
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* It seems like the hours Oh, everything done changed *
hoursseems
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* But I hold up my hand *
hand
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* Lord, I'm tryin' to make you understand *
lordtryin
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* Lord, you know, uh, everybody-- they tell me *
everybodylord
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* Somebody done hoodooed the hoodoo man *
somebody
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* Now you know I buzzed your bell this mornin' *
bell