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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E01 — The Gang Gets Racist

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 1 — The Gang Gets Racist

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DENNIS: Another big night fellas, $164.87.

another night

↓

MAC: That's not a lot of money. DENNIS: No, it isn't.

money

↓

- Our mortgage is due in two weeks. - No, we paid that a week ago.

week weeks

↓

A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.

late three week weeks

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Hey, guys. So, I met this guy in my acting class.

class

↓

And he's really cool, and he wants to see where I work.

cool wants

↓

So, could you guys try to not be weird?

weird

↓

- What is that supposed to mean? - I love you guys very much,

love supposed

↓

but sometimes you're not that cool.

cool sometimes

↓

- We're cool! - Not cool?

cool

↓

- Try to be cool. - Sometimes you're not too cool.

cool sometimes

↓

- Charlie MAC: Always cool, man.

charlie cool

↓

- Hey, man, we're closed. - Yeah, I know.

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want any trouble.

trouble whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- What? - Guys, this is Terrell.

↓

From my acting class.

class

↓

- Yeah. Yeah. - Hey, man. How's it goin'?

goin

↓

- It's going good. How you doin'? - Good, man. We're just chillin'.

doin

↓

- Great. Just closing up shop. - Yeah.

shop

↓

(mutters) Whoa.

whoa

↓

Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here.

↓

- Oh, no, no. - We got plenty of brothers.

↓

- Yeah. African-Americans. - Okay. Yeah, we get it.

↓

Yeah, I know some of them.

↓

Yeah. We're probably related.

↓

No.

↓

I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related.

↓

- That's ridiculous. - Sweet Dee came in here

sweet

↓

just a second ago and she started talking about acting class.

class second started

↓

We weren't expecting you.

↓

We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all.

black

↓

Right.

↓

Thanks, guys.

thanks

↓

When I'm promotin', everybody and their mama gonna be there.

everybody mama

↓

There's gonna be brothers, white boys, latinos, whatever.

boys white

↓

You got niggas hanging from the rafters.

↓

So we got 400-plus packed into this tiny little place.

place plus

↓

Whoa. You had 400 people packed into a place?

place whoa

↓

You damn right, I got 400. That's my job, man.

↓

And it's mostly college kids.

college kids

↓

You know, my sister goes to temple, so I got the hookup over there.

sister

↓

And hookups are good? But, just to be clear,

clear

↓

when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?

friend sister

↓

- Dude. - Oh, Jesus.

↓

- I mean my sister. - Oh. Okay. Cool.

cool sister

↓

I was just, because he could mean his friend or his sister.

friend sister

↓

Stop talking.

↓

So, we're packed into this little bitty place up on Walnut, right?

place

↓

We're halfway through the night, everything's goin' all right.

goin night

↓

All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar.

↓

- Shit. - Right? And I don't know

↓

f this dude wants to freak me or fight me. You know what I'm saying?

fight wants

↓

- He's giving you crazy eyes. - The insane, crazy eyes. Right?

crazy eyes giving

↓

- I know that. - So I walk over,

walk

↓

he's this big, cut Mexican dude

↓

"unless you want to get yo' ass torn apart

↓

"you'd better get that look off your face."

face

↓

No!

↓

You just walked right up to him and said that?

↓

I had to, man. You gotta make the first move.

↓

- Always make the first move. - I know.

↓

- So badass. - So what happened?

happened

↓

Well, hey, he won't stop starin' me down.

↓

We're like eyeball to eyeball. His grill is right up in mine.

↓

It feels like an eternity, son, right?

feels

↓

- Finally... - He opens up his mouth and says,

finally mouth opens

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"I guess you gon' have to tear my ass apart, homes."

↓

Man, so what'd you do?

whatd

↓

Took him to the back alley, and I tore his ass apart!

↓

- Oh, my God! - That's insane!

↓

(chattering continues)

↓

Okay, I would like to do things like that.

↓

MAC: I love that guy. "I took him to the back alley."

love

↓

Who does shit like that? It's like a movie.

movie

↓

Calm down, don't get too excited, all right?

calm excited

↓

There's something a little off about him.

↓

Oh, bro, that's racist.

↓

No, asshole, that's not what I meant.

↓

I'll go get the coffee. What do you guys want?

coffee

↓

Dude, sit down. Okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here,

comes

↓

and then you can stare at her. - I wasn't gonna stare at her.

↓

- I was just gonna. - He wasn't gonna stare at her.

↓

Dude, you're totally obsessed with that chick.

↓

I'm not obsessed. I like her. Okay?

↓

I have a little bit of a crush, yes. But obsessed?

yes

↓

That's a bit of a harsh word.

word

↓

- Dude, it's never gonna happen. - Guys, listen.

happen

↓

Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.

↓

- Why? For what? - You heard him.

heard

↓

When he's promotin', everybody named Mama's looking to get in.

everybody looking

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That's true. They do have, uh, "Niggers hanging from rafters."

↓

- Wow. Nice. - No, that's not what I was saying.

↓

- Coffee? - Yeah.

coffee

↓

- Hitler? - No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

↓

I'll make sure to put lots of cream in yours.

cream

↓

- I was quoting a black friend. - Okay.

black friend

↓

(exhales)

exhales

↓

Well, great. Well, that's just great. Now she thinks I'm racist.

thinks

↓

Dude, will you just drop it?

drop

↓

Listen, if Terrell delivers half of what he promises,

half

↓

we're looking at 200 people. - Yeah, that's true.

looking

↓

It'd be nice to get some chicks in the bar.

↓

All right, let's do it.

↓

- Sure about this? - It's 2005, Charlie.

charlie

↓

Isn't it ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race?

friends

↓

No, what is ridiculous is this stupid plan.

plan stupid

↓

- It's not stupid! - It's a stupid plan.

plan stupid

↓

It's not, this is a college campus, all right?

college

↓

This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversify.

meet place

↓

You're just trying to make black... Mmm-hmm.

black

↓

You're trying to make black friends?

black friends

↓

You're not making it easy.

easy

↓

You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.

black couple friends

↓

Don't do this right now. Don't do this right now.

↓

(hip-hop music playing) (laughing)

laughing music music-playing playing

↓

Okay. See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

↓

- This is perfect. - Huh. Yeah.

perfect

↓

- I'm gonna break the ice. - Go for it.

break

↓

'Bout to bust that shit up, Reese.

↓

- 'Bout to bust that shit up, boy! - Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

- That didn't go exactly the way... - No.

↓

- No. It was really, really awkward. - Really awkward.

awkward

↓

- Maybe we should go. - Yeah!

↓

- Hey, what's your name? - Oh. It's, uh, Charlie.

charlie name

↓

- Do you play bones, Charlie? - I dabble.

charlie

↓

Do you want to play? I could get you a game.

game

↓

Uh, no, I shouldn't. I'm not very good, so...

↓

- I bet you're really good. - Well, it's been a long time.

↓

- Oh, come on. - All right. Maybe just one game.

game

↓

Domino, bitch! (all laughing)

laughing

↓

This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

↓

Why do these people like you more than they like me?

↓

Whoa. Maybe it's comments like that.

whoa

↓

I meant those people in there, not all black people.

black

↓

What am I supposed to say in that situation?

situation supposed

↓

You should say something different. Figure something else out.

figure

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

- Um, I'm Janell. - Oh, hi.

↓

Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie.

charlie moves

↓

- Thanks. You know. - I wanted to give you this.

thanks wanted

↓

- Oh. Okay. - You know?

↓

Give me a call sometime.

↓

- All right? - Yeah. See ya.

↓

Well you... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- What are you doing, dude? - What?

↓

That girl's gorgeous.

↓

She's the perfect opportunity to prove that we're not racist.

perfect

↓

- She probably has friends for me. - Well, come on,

friends

↓

f anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.

black

↓

What?

↓

We don't really need... We need black guys, so.

black

↓

Black guys? What the hell are you talking about?

black

↓

You know.

↓

Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude?

coffee shop

↓

Oh, my God! Dude, you are obsessed with this chick.

↓

No, I'm not.

↓

- Let me see your wallet. - Why?

↓

Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet?

picture

↓

No.

↓

- Give it to me. Give it. - Oh, my God! Stop making a scene!

↓

Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet!

↓

I can't get the goddamn...

goddamn

↓

It's okay! It's okay, everybody!

everybody

↓

- You're making a scene. - You're making a scene!

↓

I got it. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hold on a second.

second

↓

- Ha! Ha-ha! Ha! - Give it to me!

↓

- He had it! - Okay! You found it!

found

↓

You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna tear it up!

↓

No, don't!

↓

Fine, just give me it. I'll call her. I'll call the black girl, okay?

black girl

↓

Okay, buddy. We're cool. We're cool.

buddy cool

↓

We're good. Thanks, guys. See ya.

thanks

↓

I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio,

dream night

↓

which is really weird, because I've never even been to Ohio.

weird

↓

This guy was wearing a bunny suit,

wearing

↓

and he was coming out... - You know what, Dee?

coming

↓

I don't wanna hear about your dreams. Okay?

dreams

↓

I hate listening to people's dreams.

dreams hate

↓

It's like flipping through a stack of photographs.

↓

If I'm not in any of 'em and nobody's having sex,

having

↓

I just... I don't care.

care

↓

Oh. I'm sorry. I would listen to your dreams.

dreams

↓

- You're my brother and I love you. - I'm sorry. I am.

love

↓

- Hey! What's goin' on, guys? DENNIS: Terrell.

goin

↓

- How are you? - Hey! What's up? What's up?

↓

How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on?

doin goin

↓

- All right, man. - How's it goin', man?

goin

↓

Good, man.

↓

Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man?

mind second stepping

↓

- Yeah, I'll come outside. - Yeah?

↓

- Yeah. Okay. - All right, man, come on.

↓

I'm gonna put these out on the tables.

↓

Rule number one. Always keep a line.

line number

↓

Oh, my God! That is a lot of people! Wow!

↓

(disco music playing)

music music-playing playing

↓

This is crazy!

crazy

↓

I know! I told you! Terrell's the best!

best

↓

I know! I'm gonna have to start bartending full-time. Look at this!

full start

↓

Why are you making more money than me?

money

↓

- I don't know! - Hey, this is crazy!

crazy

↓

I know. Terrell packed 'em in. Look at this.

↓

- This is crazy! - Yeah, we were just saying that.

crazy

↓

- Lot of dudes. - Yeah, there's a lot of dudes.

↓

Lot of dudes.

↓

What can I get you boys?

boys

↓

Oh, uh, we wanted to wait for the cute one.

cute wanted

↓

What cute one?

cute

↓

Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox?

cousin

↓

- Oh, yeah! - Let's go say hey.

↓

- Yo, Brettie boy! - Hey, cuz!

↓

- How you doin'? - What's up, Brett?

doin

↓

- Can you believe this crowd? - Oh, it's something else!

believe

↓

Yeah!

↓

Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested.

↓

I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request.

couple request

↓

Whoa! Uh, what are you doin, man? I'm not...

doin whoa

↓

- You have the most beautiful eyes. - Okay, man, but I'm... Really?

eyes

↓

So blue.

blue

↓

Really more of a blue-green, actually, but...

blue green

↓

- I'm really proud of you, man. - Yeah, thanks.

proud thanks

↓

- You've come a long way. - What do you mean?

↓

You guys are running the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.

philadelphia running

↓

(disco music continues)

music

↓

(knock on door)

door knock

↓

(grunting)

↓

No! What in the hell is your problem?

problem

↓

How could you not tell me you were gay?

↓

I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia.

living philadelphia

↓

I didn't think it was that big a secret.

secret

↓

I've been coming on to you for, like, weeks now.

coming weeks

↓

- I thought you were into gay dudes. - I am not into gay dudes!

↓

- Apparently you are. - Okay, well, you know what?

↓

The guys hired you to promote their bar,

hired promote

↓

and you turned it into a gay bar. They are not happy.

happy

↓

(laughing)

laughing

↓

- So much money! - Whoo!

money whoo

↓

Oh! So much money! We made more money in one night...

money night

↓

Than in the entire time that we've owned this place!

entire place

↓

This is great. We have to embrace the situation.

situation

↓

We should totally embrace the situation!

situation

↓

- We're a gay bar from now on. - Absolutely, man!

absolutely

↓

No goddamn way. Have you guys seen this?

goddamn seen

↓

"Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud?

looking spot

↓

"Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole."

hole

↓

- That's a nice notice. - No, it's not a nice notice.

↓

I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes.

↓

- I'm gonna have to agree with Mac. - Of course you are.

agree course

↓

I made $300 last night. How much did you make?

night

↓

First of all, that's rude.

↓

And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

↓

- It has everything to do with it. - It is what you're talking...

↓

Listen, I don't think we have much of a choice. We need to do this.

↓

If you guys remember, one of the major reasons

remember

↓

we got this bar in the first place was to get laid.

place

↓

Maybe you did it to get laid.

↓

I got a little something I like to call "business ethics".

business

↓

Business ethics? Charlie, the only reason you don't care

business care charlie reason

↓

s because you have black girls hanging all over you for no reason.

black reason

↓

Okay, you know what? Chill out. You're gonna screw it up.

↓

Screw it up? I happen to have a date with a nice young lady today.

date happen lady today young

↓

Ouch. Look, you guys, it's a purely fiscal decision.

ouch

↓

Bullshit. You don't care about the money. You just like the attention.

attention care money

↓

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

supposed

↓

"Everybody look at me!" You know exactly what I mean, pretty boy.

everybody

↓

- Hey, handsome. - Hey, beautiful.

↓

- Hey, sexy. - Hey, hoss.

sexy

↓

I just get along really well with those guys.

along

↓

- They're vibing. - No, you're leading them on.

↓

- You're not gay, you're just vain. - Okay, time out.

↓

Here's what we should do. Let's take a vote. All right?

↓

DEE: Fine. MAC: Okay.

↓

All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye".

↓

- Aye. - Aye. Opposed?

↓

Keeping in mind that you don't get a vote.

mind

↓

DEE: Why? - Because you're the bartender.

↓

- You're not one of the owners. - No, Sweet Dee gets a vote.

sweet

↓

- No, she doesn't! - Of course I get a vote!

course

↓

(arguing indistinctly)

indistinctly

↓

All owners opposed, say "nay".

↓

All owners, people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay".

↓

All people who own the bar who are opposed say "nay".

↓

- Nay. - Two against one! Oh, well.

↓

Paddy's Irish Pub will henceforth remain the hottest gay bar

↓

n Philadelphia.

philadelphia

↓

Hey, hey! What's going on?

↓

- Look at you! You look good! - Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

sweet

↓

- So, where we going? - I thought we'd go grab a drink.

drink

↓

- Oh, I want one so bad. - All righty!

bad

↓

Oh, a coffee shop. I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar.

coffee drink shop

↓

Yeah, absolutely. Uh, here, why don't you have a seat here.

absolutely seat

↓

I'll go up and get the coffee. What would you like?

coffee

↓

- I don't really drink coffee. - Totally.

coffee drink

↓

What do you want, Charlie?

charlie

↓

"What do you want, Charlie?" Um, well,

charlie

↓

I'd like you to take a look at the young African-American woman

woman young

↓

sitting at the table over there.

sitting

↓

- Okay. - That woman is my friend.

friend woman

↓

Wow. Good for you.

↓

So, the other day when you heard me saying something about

heard

↓

certain people hanging from rafters, I was quoting a friend of mine...

friend

↓

What are you trying to say? Spit it out.

spit

↓

Well, maybe now that you know that I'm not racist,

↓

you and I could go on a little... - Dude, N-O.

↓

How many times do I have to say it to you?

times

↓

- One time is fine. - Apparently one time is not fine.

↓

- One time per time I ask you. - Hey, what's going on up here?

↓

Oh, not too much. Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist

using

↓

and then he asked me out on a date.

asked date

↓

Charlie, is this true?

charlie

↓

Would that upset you if it was something that was true?

↓

(disco music playing)

music music-playing playing

↓

Charlie, I think you need to see a doctor. This thing looks really bad.

bad charlie

↓

- I did! - What'd he say?

whatd

↓

He said that Janell punched me in my eye!

↓

All right, well, you need to keep that eye...

↓

- Wait. Her name's Janell? - Yeah.

↓

Janell Jenkins. She's got a hell of a right hand.

hand

↓

She also said that if she ever saw me again,

↓

she was going to slit my throat. - Are you two seeing this?

seeing throat

↓

Boys are out tonight, huh?

boys tonight

↓

This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here?

↓

You got black women crawling all over you

black

↓

and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball.

ball

↓

Why do these people like you guys so much?

↓

Well, dude, it's not that they like us.

↓

It's that they don't like you. You know why?

↓

Uh, because you're an asshole!

↓

- Is that true? - Yeah, kind of.

↓

Hey, listen, can I talk to you in the back for a second?

second

↓

- What's up? - You know that girl

girl

↓

Charlie's talking about? That Janell? I know her.

↓

- Okay. So what? - I think I know how we can solve

↓

this whole gay mess.

whole

↓

- Great. How? - First we gotta start with Dennis.

start

↓

Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila.

tonight

↓

But like a lot of it. Enough, that maybe he might hurt himself.

hurt might

↓

- Sure. No problem. - All right.

problem

↓

Where are you going?

↓

I gotta talk to a couple of friends from my acting class.

class couple friends

↓

But seriously, blackout drunk.

↓

All right.

↓

Okay. So you did the lime first, and then the shot, right?

↓

No. No, no, no, no. Dude.

↓

- You take the salt. - Take the salt.

↓

- And then you take the shot. - Okay.

↓

- And then you suck on the lime. - Okay.

↓

Why don't you show me again. I'm getting a little bit confused.

↓

- You lick it. - Salt. Lick it.

↓

- And then you slam it. - Yeah?

↓

(burps)

↓

Oh, that's great. All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first...

↓

No, no, no, no. Oh, please, please, dude.

↓

- You're not listening to me. - Well, I'm just not getting it.

↓

- You do the salt first. - The salt first.

↓

- And then the lime. - Show me again, because I'm not...

↓

The salt first. Then the lime.

↓

(alarm beeping) (whimpers)

beeping

↓

(groans)

↓

Oh, God. (groans)

↓

Hello.

↓

Mmm.

↓

(sighs) Nice.

sighs

↓

(sighs) Beautiful.

sighs

↓

(moaning) Hello, lover.

↓

(screams) Whoa! What the hell!

whoa

↓

What is going on here?

↓

Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about.

↓

What the fu... What does that mean?

↓

- Did we have? - No. No. Don't be silly.

silly

↓

It was all hands.

hands

↓

How's that ass feelin'?

↓

CHARLIE: I'm really glad you decided to embrace this.

charlie decided glad

↓

- You're doing the right thing. - I think so, too, dude.

↓

I feel really good about broadening my horizons.

↓

It's gonna be fun. It's a good business decision.

business

↓

I don't want to own a gay bar anymore.

anymore

↓

- What, dude? - Oh, no. What happened?

happened

↓

Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know,

thinking

↓

I think we had our little experiment. It was great.

↓

- But we should go back to normal. - Oh.

normal

↓

You had an experiment, and you want

↓

to go back to the way it was before the experiment. Interesting.

interesting

↓

We had our experiment with the bar, and it was great.

↓

- Let's go back to normal. - You're done experimenting then?

normal

↓

- Or are you gonna experiment more? - What is this experimenting?

↓

- Hey, Dennis! What's up? - Listen, I got you some new CDs.

↓

'Cause the music you had in the jukebox was a little bit stale.

music

↓

Also, first thing we gotta do is get rid of these shamrocks.

↓

'Cause nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.

black

↓

Can we talk for a second, though, in private?

second

↓

Yeah. No problem.

problem

↓

So, listen, Terrell, it's not really working out.

working

↓

We're gonna have to let you go.

↓

I don't understand. I thought you guys were happy.

happy

↓

No, we were happy. But then Dennis had an experiment,

happy

↓

and he wants to go back to normal.

normal wants

↓

Yeah, we had that little experiment...

↓

- Why you keep saying it like that? - You guys are being ridiculous.

↓

Yeah, we're being ridiculous! We're making a lot of money here!

money

↓

- Yes! Thank you! - Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!

everybody sweet yes

↓

- Hey, everybody! - Whoa! What are you doing here?

everybody whoa

↓

- Charlie? - What is going on here?

charlie

↓

- You guys know each other? - Yeah! That's the crazy bitch

crazy

↓

that punched me in my eye! - Charlie! That's my sister.

charlie sister

↓

Now, just to clarify.

↓

- When you say "sister", you mean... - I mean my sister.

sister

↓

Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier

yes

↓

you were implying that I was racist because you thought

↓

that I was implying that all black people are related.

black

↓

And then it turns out that you people actually are!

↓

No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second.

second

↓

- I meant that you two actually are. - Mac?

↓

Stop talkin'.

talkin

↓

$111, $112, $113, $114!

↓

On a Saturday night!

night

↓

- We're back to normal. - We are back to normal. Mmm.

normal

↓

Dee, I gotta know. What exactly did you tell those guys

↓

from your acting class to do to Dennis?

class

↓

Oh, yeah, I know, I forgot to tell you. That didn't work out.

forgot

↓

- What? - I couldn't get a hold of them.

↓

Then why was he so freaked out?

↓

How's that ass feelin'?

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